Happyville 1: Agent Mason Suspects Everyone

HAPPYVILLE 1: AGENT MASON SUSPECTS EVERYONE

Selected Scene

EXT. HAPPYVILLE STREET – DAY

A LUNCH TRUCK is parked on a quiet street. The DRIVER hands burgers to AGENT MASON and AGENT JOHNNY.

LUNCH TRUCK DRIVER
This is your last lunch.

Light music plays from inside the truck.

Johnny chokes on his burger.

AGENT JOHNNY
What, did you put poison in this?!

LUNCH TRUCK DRIVER
The Chief says you’re wasting taxpayers’ money. Nobody’s coming.

AGENT MASON
Nobody’s coming? But I saw one! Did you even read my last report?

LUNCH TRUCK DRIVER
I read your last report, Mason.
Unknown. Black. Wings like an airplane.
That was a crow, dear Mason.

The Driver looks at both agents.

LUNCH TRUCK DRIVER (CONT'D)
Bottom line: if you don’t bring the Chief twelve aliens by the end of the day, don’t bother showing up for work tomorrow.

AGENT MASON
How many?!

LUNCH TRUCK DRIVER
Twelve.

AGENT MASON
Twelve?!

LUNCH TRUCK DRIVER
Like the Zodiac. Here’s your list.

He hands Mason a piece of paper.

Mason studies it.

AGENT MASON
What’s on here? Names? Addresses?

LUNCH TRUCK DRIVER
Getting a little too comfortable, Mason? How would the Chief know their addresses? That’s your job!

Mason reads from the list.

AGENT MASON
Cancer... Aquarius...
Cancer?! Aquarius?! What is this?!

LUNCH TRUCK DRIVER
The alien invasion of Earth begins today. And if you two don’t find them and catch them, we’re all screwed.

The RADIO inside the truck suddenly cuts in.

RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And now, the exact coordinates... If you’re a Cancer, Leo, Gemini, or any other kind of alien dreaming of conquering Earth, start with Happyville! We’re waiting for you!

Johnny slowly turns to Mason.

AGENT JOHNNY
Hear that?

AGENT MASON
How exactly does the Chief want them?

LUNCH TRUCK DRIVER
Tied up. Handcuffed. The Chief doesn’t care how.

The Driver gets into the truck.

LUNCH TRUCK DRIVER (CONT'D)
Lunch is over!

The lunch truck drives away.

Mason notices an OLD MAN WITH A CANE walking backward down the street, glancing nervously at the agents as he tries to get away from them.

Mason nudges Johnny.

AGENT MASON
Would you look at that “celestial body”...

AGENT JOHNNY
He is backing away from us pretty suspiciously...

Mason watches the Old Man.

A smile.

AGENT MASON
Well then...

(beat)

Let’s start with Cancer.